What are you not discussing?

Have you have been part of a meeting where the real conversation never happened? Have you been in a room where everyone was aware of what the real issue was but no one was willing to name it?  Have you ever wondered what it would take to shift a lacklustre meeting into an engaged dialogue? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, this article is for you.

Imagine if every conversation in your team or organisation truly unlocked new perspectives, stirred genuine alignment, and sparked transformational change. This is the power of dialogue—when it’s authentic, intentional, and courageous. Here we’re going to explore how to lead change not by driving it, but by guiding it through dialogue. Because, as leaders, our most powerful tool isn’t authority or strategy—it’s the conversations we create.

There’s a tool coming up that will enable you and your team to not only name the ‘elephant in the room’ but discuss it. This matters because avoiding difficult conversations often results in unresolved issues bubbling beneath the surface, leading to gossip, tension, and fragmented relationships. By addressing issues openly and early, teams avoid the buildup of negativity that can corrode morale over time. When discussing difficult topics becomes part of ‘the way we do things around here’, team members are more likely to address issues directly with each other rather than through unproductive channels.

Two key questions

In recent years I’ve discovered two essential questions that unlock powerful conversations in teams. Andrew White, former Dean of Executive Education at Saïd Business School, University of Oxford and now CEO at Transcend Space, introduced me to them in our team coaching work. They are:

1. What are you not discussing that you need to talk about?
2. What do you always discuss but never resolve?

As soon as the questions are named, I observe instant reactions: nods, intakes of breath and even some knowing chuckles. “Time to buckle up!” Andrew once said to me after presenting the questions to one senior leadership team. It can indeed, be quite a ride, to explore them.

The good news is that mastering difficult conversations can have a profound, positive effect on both team morale and organisational culture over time. When leaders and team members are skilled at naming the ‘elephants’ and handling difficult conversations, it signals that the organisation values openness and honesty. This transparency helps to build trust across all levels, as people feel that issues will be addressed directly rather than hidden or ignored. Over time, this trust strengthens morale, as team members know they are in an environment where they can speak up without fear of repercussion.

Tackling difficult conversations head-on also provides valuable learning opportunities. Team members see that conflict can lead to growth rather than resentment, which encourages a culture of maturity and continuous improvement. Leaders who master this skill help their teams learn how to handle disagreements constructively, fostering resilience and adaptability. This can be particularly powerful in times of change, when morale could otherwise dip.

Finally, the ability to engage in challenging conversations constructively contributes to a healthier, more engaged workplace. Over time, this capability becomes embedded in the organisation’s culture, leading to a more collaborative, aligned, and energised team. This impact on morale and culture can be one of the most significant transformations for an organisation on the path to a sustainable, high-performance environment.

But how?

A question that I am frequently asked when there are ‘elephants’ in the room that need discussing is ‘but how?’ It’s a fair question. Many managers and leaders have never learnt even the most fundamental of conversational skills – such as active listening or authentic speaking –  in their family of origin or anywhere else. There are few role models in many organisations (or even the public square) who can ‘show the way.’ Authentic dialogue – where real issues are discussed in an inclusive, forthright and yet fluid way – is a rare occurrence.

Through my work with Andrew, we’ve developed an impactful tool for teams to use when having the conversations that matter most. It’s called The Critical Conversations Grid and it works like this.

Think about the critical conversations that you and your team could have that would add most value. These could be conversations about strategy, vision, purpose, growth, ways of working or any other topic. Take a look at the Critical Conversations Grid below and identify three or more topics and place them on the Grid in the appropriate place.

The Critical Conversations Grid invites you to reflect in two ways: (1) The impact that having a conversation could have on performance and (2) The perceived level of difficulty that the conversation entails. This helps differentiate four types of conversation as follows:

1. Big wins.’ These are conversations that are both impactful and difficult. Examples include discussions around a unified vision, workforce strategy, risk appetite and relationships amongst team members. When a team stops avoiding having these discussions, the benefits are legion. They resolve issues, make decisions, and identify actions to take forward. Critical Dialogue skills are also developed (speaking authentically, challenging effectively, listening deeply, and suspending judgement) which are then transferable to other contexts.

• ‘Quick wins.’ These are conversations that are impactful but less difficult. Examples include communicating a signed-off strategy, making investment decisions against established criteria, and agreeing a business planning process. These conversations move issues forward but, because they are more straightforward, participants do not develop transferable skills that would enable them to discuss what matters in other situations.

• ‘Pains in the neck.’ These are conversations that have less impact and yet are difficult. Examples include establishing performance metrics, deciding how to conduct a ‘town hall’ or large-group meeting and agreeing what a Board Pack contains. These conversations are necessary but because people find it harder to see the payoff, they are often perceived as a drag. 

• ‘Just Do Its.’ (JDIs) These are conversations that are less impactful and less difficult. Examples include agreeing changes to a standard operating process, deciding on small spends and addressing missed deadlines. Once a group identifies these conversations, this often creates the momentum to have the discussion.

Individuals complete their own grid first, giving people valuable time to gather their thoughts. Collective intelligence arises out of the ‘mesh’ of different perspectives and people need time to figure out what their point of view is. At a recent offsite, Andrew and I then invited team members in groups of four participants to share their grids and then create a single, combined grid on the floor. As team members pulled out lengths of masking tape to mark out the four quadrants, there was already a buzz in the room. Creating a shared ‘map’ of the tricky topics that need discussing creates a healthy sense of ‘we’re in this together’ as people negotiate what’s a big win, a quick win, a pain in the neck or a ‘just do it.’

Once the group grid was complete, we asked people to reflect together along these lines:

1. Which is the most critical conversation to have?
2. Thinking about that critical conversation, what gets in the way of us having it?
3. What would take for us to have that conversation?

Turning the clock forward thirty minutes, and a clear set of intentions and agreed actions had emerged. There wasn’t time to dive into the tricky topics but we had at least named them without flinching and added a timeline for who would talk about what and by when.

In closing

In this article, we’ve been tapping into the transformative power of dialogue. We’ve seen how opening up real conversations is not just a skill but a catalyst for deep, lasting change in organisations. To keep the momentum going, I would like to challenge you to create the spaces where every voice can speak, every perspective can connect and the ‘elephants’ in the room can be named. When we engage with openness and respect, we turn difficult dialogue into our greatest advantage. Remember, transformative change doesn’t start with an announcement. It starts with one conversation. Let’s go out there and lead that transformative conversation now.